Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
