my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
