when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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