Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
