remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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