Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
