when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
