p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize