there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize