I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
