Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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