I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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