non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
