When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
