I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
