My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
We smell like vodka and hangover
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