Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
