Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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