in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
