Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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