Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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