my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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