i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
