I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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