I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
