I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
did i walk over a car last night?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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