The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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