I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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