dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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