I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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