update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
