dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
