It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
