I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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