Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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