It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize