On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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