Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Watching her eat just hurts me
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
