The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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