I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
never play flip cup with pint glasses
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
