My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
