Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
