the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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