there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
he thought i was a dude.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
