The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Pants are for mortals
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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