just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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