nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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