i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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