woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
