His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
