Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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