I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
