i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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