I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Randomize
