I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
