He uses pillows to masturbate.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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