I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
