Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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