I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I wish I only lived at night.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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