Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
