Just took my morning after pill in the library
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Drunk is a universal language darling
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